Tweaking sports news
Good writing is both visual and human. Small tweaks can make all the difference, particularly in the intro sentence.
Ferrari has confirmed that Fernando Alonso will drive for the team from 2010, replacing 2007 world champion Kimi Raikkonen, in a move that follows months of speculation.
I like the main verb to be visual. It makes the story more dramatic if the reader can picture what's going on. The word "confirmed" is not one that instantly conjures up an image. Could we re write so that "drive" is the main verb? It seems like the obvious word to use.
The writer of the original intro, wasn't sure about the change. There have been rumours this was going to happen for weeks. The reader probably already knows that Alonso will drive for Ferrari. It feels like the confirmation bit of it is the news.
If the reader cares about the actors in your story, they are more likely to read on. In general, people care about other people more than organisations. Could it be about Alonso first and then Ferrari?
It could be written more simply as
Fernando Alonso will drive for Ferrari from 2010,
but the writer worried that this misses the main part of the news out - the confirmation.
The important thing is to grab the reader's attention in the first few words. When you have them, you can tell a more complex story. What comes first should be as attractive as you can make it. Other information can always come later.
Focusing on the human interest and visual, obvious words gives us:
Fernando Alonso will drive for Ferrari from 2010, the team has confirmed, ending months of speculation.
What do you think? It is more or less the same sentence, but by moving some of the words around we have given it more punch. It is more likely people will read on.
Ferrari has confirmed that Fernando Alonso will drive for the team from 2010, replacing 2007 world champion Kimi Raikkonen, in a move that follows months of speculation.
I like the main verb to be visual. It makes the story more dramatic if the reader can picture what's going on. The word "confirmed" is not one that instantly conjures up an image. Could we re write so that "drive" is the main verb? It seems like the obvious word to use.
The writer of the original intro, wasn't sure about the change. There have been rumours this was going to happen for weeks. The reader probably already knows that Alonso will drive for Ferrari. It feels like the confirmation bit of it is the news.
If the reader cares about the actors in your story, they are more likely to read on. In general, people care about other people more than organisations. Could it be about Alonso first and then Ferrari?
It could be written more simply as
Fernando Alonso will drive for Ferrari from 2010,
but the writer worried that this misses the main part of the news out - the confirmation.
The important thing is to grab the reader's attention in the first few words. When you have them, you can tell a more complex story. What comes first should be as attractive as you can make it. Other information can always come later.
Focusing on the human interest and visual, obvious words gives us:
Fernando Alonso will drive for Ferrari from 2010, the team has confirmed, ending months of speculation.
What do you think? It is more or less the same sentence, but by moving some of the words around we have given it more punch. It is more likely people will read on.
Labels: Journalism, Writing tips
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